Sometimes life is just hard

I am stressed and I find myself in such a difficult position because I’m unsure how to deal with it all. I normally would find solace in some sort of food. Something to keep the emotions stuffed down. I never believed that I was an emotional eater until one time awhile back when I was really upset about something, pulled through a drive-thru, ordered a huge meal, started it sobbing, and had completely stopped the tears and numbed myself by the time I finished. Of course, then the pain and remorse of what I had just done set in. But, still….in the moment it was like a drug. It numbed my pain that was really difficult to feel and instead allowed me to feel a different kind of pain. One I was used to and knew how to ignore.

I don’t have my “drug” available to me right now. I REFUSE to use it. I want this healthy lifestyle more than anything in the world right now and if I don’t learn another way of handling stress I will never ever learn to stop using food as a crutch. So instead I am an emotional mess. Crying at my desk, hiding in the bathroom, sitting in my car and sobbing during lunch emotional mess. DAMN…this is so freaking hard. I found myself wishing I could just have a glass of wine over lunch. Now really, replacing a food addiction with an alcoholic one is so not the way to deal with this. So, I’ve been doing the only thing I know how…which is to cry, chew gum, drink water, and sob on the phone to my mom.

Things that are stressing me out –
S is having problems. She won’t eat without a huge fight first. We are trying probiotics and are going to try zantac drops. I never ever in a million years realized how much I would worry about my child. Watching your baby scream when you offer her food is one of the hardest things I have ever experienced. She does eventually eat, so she’s not starving or getting dehydrated, but still. I laid in bed worrying about her all night last night. Barely got any sleep. I have been non-stop worrying about her today at work. She’s at daycare because she has no fever and other than refusing to eat is in a fairly decent mood. When I called at noon she hadn’t eaten yet. I HATE that I cannot be with her while she is going through this. I hate that I can’t hold her and cuddle her and help her in whatever way I can. I usually like being a working mom, but right now, as she is going through this…I genuinely DESPISE the fact that I can’t be with my baby right now. This is by far my biggest cause of stress.

I am having post-partum physical issues. I thought I was home free, but started bleeding a few weeks ago..at 14 weeks post-partum. I went into the dr. and they did a painful procedure to try and stop the bleeding. It hasn’t worked. I’ve missed a lot of work due to this issue and S’s issues so I don’t feel comfortable telling my boss I need even more time off for my physical needs. Especially right now when I don’t know if I’ll need to take more time for S medically. I had to use all of my vacation and sick time because of my difficult pregnancy so I have zero days off left until June 1. Luckily my boss has been flexible, but I don’t want to push it to far and put my job at jeopardy. So, I’ve got to put off seeing the dr. for another week. It’s frustrating.

Allergies are out of control for me right now. I can’t breathe through my left nostril at all. I’m taking allegra and Sudafed and still…no relief. I’m sick of it!

I’m tired. Super super tired. I barely slept last night. I was worried about S, we had a thunderstorm, and I had caffeine too late in the day.

The effort it takes to stick to my healthy lifestyle feels like a ton right now. Just knowing that I have to go home and cook dinner tonight makes me feel like I’m carrying around a huge extra weight on my back. Add to that the fact that I need to find some time to get in activity and it just feels hard. I know that its worth it and that when I step on that scale on Saturday I’ll be glad that I powered through. And I don’t feel like I have a lot of options. If I don’t power through and cook and give in and eat fast food I’ll 1- feel bad about it and 2-not see the results on the scale that I want and will find that aggravating. And I just want this lifestyle to feel like second nature. The only way I will ever get there is to keep doing it! So, I will power through.

My house is not clean and my husband’s parents are arriving on Thursday. I usually get the house stuff taken care of on Sunday but with Baby S’s issues it didn’t get done. I hate having people come to my house when it is not clean. I’ve done some talking with a friend today and have realized that this is just the way it is. With all the other stuff I’ve got going on, perfectly clean house is bottom of the priority list for sure. Now…just to truly accept that……

So, to end this post on a positive note…I will say that I have not used food through any of this. We are on day 3 and I am still sticking strong to my goals. Even got a walk in last night. The scale is inching downwards and I am determined to get that 20 pound sticker this weekend.