Friday

This morning I weighed myself for the first time since Tuesday.  I've gained 30 pounds since conceiving and I'm 20 weeks pregnant...so I've pretty much had some sort of gain on the scale everytime I weigh.  Today though the scale was 0.2 of a pound less than Tuesday.  It made me feel good to see that I actually CAN stop the bleeding.

This week has been better than any of the last.  I worked out both Tues and Thurs.  I cooked dinner at home Sun, Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs.  I prepped breakfast at home Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, and Fri.  I know that these things work.  I KNOW that eating out is no good.  And this week I proved to myself that doing less of it will help slow down this gain spiral I've been on.

There is lots of room for improvement.  I did have fast food 3 out of the last 4 days.  Fruits and veggies....what are those?  So, more to focus on. But, today, I celebrate the progress I've made this week.

Also, yesterday I was reminded of how it all comes down to choices.  Little choices over and over again.  My afternoon got all mixed up and I ended up going to one of the happy hours for a short time.  My friend is leaving our company and it was to celebrate her.  I ordered water and the waitress offered a mock-tini.  I said no thanks and stuck with the water.  I stayed for about 20 mins and left for the gym before the appetizers came out.  Only issue was...I was STARVING and knew i couldn't go to the gym without eating. I started trying to figure out what to get at a drive thru that wouldn't make my stomach upset.  And then, I stopped, tried to remember what the "me" of 18 months ago would have done...and I dug through my purse and found a granola bar.  PERFECT!

Happy Friday...we have an insanely busy weekend ahead of us.  I've got to finish painting Senna's room on Saturday and also go shopping for some clothes for all of us because on Sunday we are going to have our Christmas pictures made.  Christmas is going to be here before I know it!

Small Wins

Fast food breakfast had become a major major issue since I got pregnant.  In my first trimester I was turned off by all my normal breakfast foods.  The only thing that sounded good was hashbrowns so I started stopping by McD at breakfast and getting hashbrowns.  And then of course as I started feeling better those breakfasts got bigger and badder for me.  And then before I know it, its become a habit I have a very very hard time breaking.  But, this week I've been making a concerted effort to CUT IT OUT.  I have been eating breakfast at home before I leave and bringing a second breakfast to eat around 10am at work.  Of course I am perfectly full and I'm sure my body is so thankful for the better choices.

Also, Tuesday I went to the gym after writing that last blog post and it felt oh-so-very-good to get that done.  Muscles like to be worked.  Why do I so easily forget that?  I will go again today after work.  I have been invited to two happy hours but seeing as how I can't drink and given the fact that 30 mins at the gym feels much better than eating a bunch of appetizers at a bar...I'll be going to the gym.

It feels good to make good decisions.  Not all of my decisions have been good, but I want to celebrate the good ones.

Thoughts

I find that the hardest time to eat healthy, exercise, and lose weight is when you are really down on yourself.  When your self disgust and hatred are at their peak.

I am struggling right now with a lot of that.  Here I am, a person who went from 354 pounds down to 258 pounds over the course of two years.  Only to gain about 36 of that back before getting pregnant and another 30 since getting pregnant.  Putting me back up to 320 as of this morning.  20 weeks pregnant and 320 pounds.

It breaks my heart to be here.  I had envisioned this pregnancy as different.  I had envisioned that while I'd still be a fat mom I would not be a super obese mom.  I had envisioned looking pregnant.  I had hoped that I would walk into doctors offices and not get that "look", the "oh, here comes a fat one" look.

But, none of that has happened.  I am a super obese mom.  I had my anatomy ultrasound and they could not see everything they needed to see.  I peaked over the technicians shoulder as she made notes for the doctor and she mentioned baby's position and mother's body size as the reason.  It made my heart break in two.  This is likely my last pregnancy.  My last opportunity to experience it as I wanted too.  But, I won't...because I am super obese.  Because I am over 300 pounds with 20 more weeks to go.

I keep telling myself that I can stop the gain.  Or at least slow it down.  I can make better food choices.  I can stop with the pop.  I can stop with the fast food.  I can stop with the sugar.  Yet, I don't do it. And I know why I don't do it.  I don't do it because I am so angry and disgusted with myself right now.  The only way to start eating healthier is to accept what is and most importantly ACCEPT MYSELF.  I have done it in the past and I want to find a way to do it again.

I know what I need to focus on.  I need to focus on this baby I am carrying.  I need to focus on the fact that while YES, I am overweight, I am still a fine carrier for this little girl growing inside of me.  I need to focus on the fact that I will be her mother and I will be a damn good one.  I KNOW I CAN BE A HEALTHIER VERSION of me.  I know that its difficult at first and takes a lot of commitment but with time it gets better.  I know I have it in me.

Now, to put it in action.  On that note...I'm headed to the gym.