Thoughts

I find that the hardest time to eat healthy, exercise, and lose weight is when you are really down on yourself.  When your self disgust and hatred are at their peak.

I am struggling right now with a lot of that.  Here I am, a person who went from 354 pounds down to 258 pounds over the course of two years.  Only to gain about 36 of that back before getting pregnant and another 30 since getting pregnant.  Putting me back up to 320 as of this morning.  20 weeks pregnant and 320 pounds.

It breaks my heart to be here.  I had envisioned this pregnancy as different.  I had envisioned that while I'd still be a fat mom I would not be a super obese mom.  I had envisioned looking pregnant.  I had hoped that I would walk into doctors offices and not get that "look", the "oh, here comes a fat one" look.

But, none of that has happened.  I am a super obese mom.  I had my anatomy ultrasound and they could not see everything they needed to see.  I peaked over the technicians shoulder as she made notes for the doctor and she mentioned baby's position and mother's body size as the reason.  It made my heart break in two.  This is likely my last pregnancy.  My last opportunity to experience it as I wanted too.  But, I won't...because I am super obese.  Because I am over 300 pounds with 20 more weeks to go.

I keep telling myself that I can stop the gain.  Or at least slow it down.  I can make better food choices.  I can stop with the pop.  I can stop with the fast food.  I can stop with the sugar.  Yet, I don't do it. And I know why I don't do it.  I don't do it because I am so angry and disgusted with myself right now.  The only way to start eating healthier is to accept what is and most importantly ACCEPT MYSELF.  I have done it in the past and I want to find a way to do it again.

I know what I need to focus on.  I need to focus on this baby I am carrying.  I need to focus on the fact that while YES, I am overweight, I am still a fine carrier for this little girl growing inside of me.  I need to focus on the fact that I will be her mother and I will be a damn good one.  I KNOW I CAN BE A HEALTHIER VERSION of me.  I know that its difficult at first and takes a lot of commitment but with time it gets better.  I know I have it in me.

Now, to put it in action.  On that note...I'm headed to the gym.