Back to the Basics

Yesterday I rejoined WW.  I can't attend meetings because I'm pregnant, but I can do the online program (shhhh...don't tell the WW-powers-that-be that I lied to them when it asked if I was pregnant!).  I did say I was nursing full time.  That means I get 64 points.  That is a LOT of points.  I should be able to keep myself and baby fully nourished on that. 

My sister rejoined on Sunday which motivated me to rejoin yesterday.  I had already made a bad choice for breakfast.  Then yesterday afternoon I went home sick and so had to have Andy bring home dinner.  I had him get me chicken noodle soup and a grilled cheese.  Little did I know it was actually "chicken and dumpling" soup so instead of being a low point option it was actually quite high.  Then before bed I realized that I had eaten two birthday cookies earlier in the day that I had not journaled.  But, I went back and journaled ALL of it and even though I went over my points, it felt good to at least take ownership for it.

I've journaled my breakfast this morning and am planning to keep on journaling all day.  This tool will be a great way to help me stay honest with myself over the holidays.

50

What  difference 50 pounds makes.  I remember at so many points in my life when I used to have the “all or nothing” attitude.  Thinking that if I couldn’t lose the 200 pounds I needed to lose I might as well lose none.  Because what good would 50 pounds do me?

As I lost weight I realized the error of my ways.  As I’ve regained I have REALLY realized how wrong I was.  Sitting at 320 I’m about 50 pounds up from the 270 I maintained for many months on end.  And I am amazed at how much of a difference these additional 50 pounds have made.  From the ‘bloat’ in my face (sure, some of that is probably pregnancy but the majority is added weight) to the sore feet.

This weekend I went shopping and was on my feet for many hours.  My body hurt so bad at the end of that.  My back, the bottoms of my feet, my legs, my ankles…everything hurt.  I remember on the way down the scale going shopping for several hours and realizing how much easier it was.  Now that I’ve packed on these 50 pounds I am sooo uncomfortable when I have to do something physical for several hours.  I also notice it when I climb the stairs at the house.  When we bought our house I really did not think having my master upstairs was a big deal but now?  I hate it.

Just as 50 pounds matters on the way up…”Just” or “Only” 50 pounds will matter on the way down.  That is one thing I’d really like to remember when this pregnancy is done.  I don’t have to get “skinny” or get to “goal”…but taking some of this weight off will help my quality of life immensely.

Friday

This morning I weighed myself for the first time since Tuesday.  I've gained 30 pounds since conceiving and I'm 20 weeks pregnant...so I've pretty much had some sort of gain on the scale everytime I weigh.  Today though the scale was 0.2 of a pound less than Tuesday.  It made me feel good to see that I actually CAN stop the bleeding.

This week has been better than any of the last.  I worked out both Tues and Thurs.  I cooked dinner at home Sun, Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs.  I prepped breakfast at home Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, and Fri.  I know that these things work.  I KNOW that eating out is no good.  And this week I proved to myself that doing less of it will help slow down this gain spiral I've been on.

There is lots of room for improvement.  I did have fast food 3 out of the last 4 days.  Fruits and veggies....what are those?  So, more to focus on. But, today, I celebrate the progress I've made this week.

Also, yesterday I was reminded of how it all comes down to choices.  Little choices over and over again.  My afternoon got all mixed up and I ended up going to one of the happy hours for a short time.  My friend is leaving our company and it was to celebrate her.  I ordered water and the waitress offered a mock-tini.  I said no thanks and stuck with the water.  I stayed for about 20 mins and left for the gym before the appetizers came out.  Only issue was...I was STARVING and knew i couldn't go to the gym without eating. I started trying to figure out what to get at a drive thru that wouldn't make my stomach upset.  And then, I stopped, tried to remember what the "me" of 18 months ago would have done...and I dug through my purse and found a granola bar.  PERFECT!

Happy Friday...we have an insanely busy weekend ahead of us.  I've got to finish painting Senna's room on Saturday and also go shopping for some clothes for all of us because on Sunday we are going to have our Christmas pictures made.  Christmas is going to be here before I know it!

Small Wins

Fast food breakfast had become a major major issue since I got pregnant.  In my first trimester I was turned off by all my normal breakfast foods.  The only thing that sounded good was hashbrowns so I started stopping by McD at breakfast and getting hashbrowns.  And then of course as I started feeling better those breakfasts got bigger and badder for me.  And then before I know it, its become a habit I have a very very hard time breaking.  But, this week I've been making a concerted effort to CUT IT OUT.  I have been eating breakfast at home before I leave and bringing a second breakfast to eat around 10am at work.  Of course I am perfectly full and I'm sure my body is so thankful for the better choices.

Also, Tuesday I went to the gym after writing that last blog post and it felt oh-so-very-good to get that done.  Muscles like to be worked.  Why do I so easily forget that?  I will go again today after work.  I have been invited to two happy hours but seeing as how I can't drink and given the fact that 30 mins at the gym feels much better than eating a bunch of appetizers at a bar...I'll be going to the gym.

It feels good to make good decisions.  Not all of my decisions have been good, but I want to celebrate the good ones.

Thoughts

I find that the hardest time to eat healthy, exercise, and lose weight is when you are really down on yourself.  When your self disgust and hatred are at their peak.

I am struggling right now with a lot of that.  Here I am, a person who went from 354 pounds down to 258 pounds over the course of two years.  Only to gain about 36 of that back before getting pregnant and another 30 since getting pregnant.  Putting me back up to 320 as of this morning.  20 weeks pregnant and 320 pounds.

It breaks my heart to be here.  I had envisioned this pregnancy as different.  I had envisioned that while I'd still be a fat mom I would not be a super obese mom.  I had envisioned looking pregnant.  I had hoped that I would walk into doctors offices and not get that "look", the "oh, here comes a fat one" look.

But, none of that has happened.  I am a super obese mom.  I had my anatomy ultrasound and they could not see everything they needed to see.  I peaked over the technicians shoulder as she made notes for the doctor and she mentioned baby's position and mother's body size as the reason.  It made my heart break in two.  This is likely my last pregnancy.  My last opportunity to experience it as I wanted too.  But, I won't...because I am super obese.  Because I am over 300 pounds with 20 more weeks to go.

I keep telling myself that I can stop the gain.  Or at least slow it down.  I can make better food choices.  I can stop with the pop.  I can stop with the fast food.  I can stop with the sugar.  Yet, I don't do it. And I know why I don't do it.  I don't do it because I am so angry and disgusted with myself right now.  The only way to start eating healthier is to accept what is and most importantly ACCEPT MYSELF.  I have done it in the past and I want to find a way to do it again.

I know what I need to focus on.  I need to focus on this baby I am carrying.  I need to focus on the fact that while YES, I am overweight, I am still a fine carrier for this little girl growing inside of me.  I need to focus on the fact that I will be her mother and I will be a damn good one.  I KNOW I CAN BE A HEALTHIER VERSION of me.  I know that its difficult at first and takes a lot of commitment but with time it gets better.  I know I have it in me.

Now, to put it in action.  On that note...I'm headed to the gym.