The Pessimistic Optimist

When it comes to weightloss, I am a pessimistic optimist. What an oxymoron.

Pessimistic (from dictionary.com): A tendency to stress the negative or unfavorable or to take the gloomiest possible view

Optimist (from dictionary.com): One who usually expects a favorable outcome

How is this even possible? I’ll tell you! I am, in general, an optimist. I truly do expect a favorable outcome. And, if I don’t get a favorable outcome, I can almost always find a way to find the good in any given situation. I think I actually drive my husband crazy with my rampant optimism and “see the best in any given situation” attitude. But, it’s how I was raised. My mom taught us from a very young age that your attitude is the most important thing you possess. You have complete control over it and no one can take that control away.  You can choose to dwell on the negative things that happen to you, or you can put those behind and instead concentrate on the good. And, that is how I live my life. I honestly believe it was the #1 best tool for living that my mom gave me.

However, when it comes to weightloss I find myself stumbling. I have failed at this journey so very many times in the past that I have a very hard time “expecting a favorable outcome”. Oh yes, occasionally, even daily, I think to myself…this is going to work! I’m doing it! But just as quickly the negative thoughts come flooding into my mind. I hear myself thinking things like:

-Don’t set yourself up for disappointment…you know you can’t do this
-Don’t tell your husband that you feel excited this time around, he’ll just be thinking “yeah right”
-Right now its easy but you are going to trip and fall face first one of these days and then you’ll be right back where you started from and you’ll feel like an idiot for ever believing in yourself in the first place.
-Yeah, you might manage to get a few pounds off, but as soon as you get pregnant again they are going to come back on at record speed and you’re going to hate yourself.
-Hello? You have felt this way before…it never lasts…give up the dream.

See – “a tendency to take the gloomiest view”. Pessimism run amok. Ugh.

At our WW meetings they often talk about how we should use visualization to focus, center, and ultimately reach our goal. Visualize yourself at your goal weight…what will you do, how will it feel. A great friend wrote me an email about how she made it through exercise by visualizing herself at goal and running along a lake with wind through her hair. I tried to use this technique on Sunday and failed at it big time. I have always had a mental block when it comes to visualizing my own success at weight loss. I can’t even fathom mini-goals beyond getting to “twoderville” because, frankly, I can’t imagine myself ever even getting there.

I have no idea how to combat this. I seriously cannot have a positive thought about weightloss without 3-4 negative thoughts taking over. I truly believe that even the way we “think” is a choice (see my blog intro above) but this is one area where I haven’t quite taken control back from the fear center of my brain and said “enough! I banish these negative thoughts!”. I don’t know how to do it. I actually think I’m afraid to do it.

I saw a counselor in highschool and she would have me do something called “thought replacement”. She had me come up with 4 happy thoughts about myself to have in a ready ‘brain-arsenal’. Anytime I caught myself thinking something negative about myself (I had some seriously low self-esteem issues junior year of high school) she had me fire off my positive thoughts instead. Sometimes I would have to actually speak them outloud to overpower the negative thinking. I felt so stupid doing this at first…but the thing is…it worked. I think it might be time to try the same with my weightloss efforts.

So, 4 positive thoughts….hmmm…

1. I have not binged in more than 4 years.

2. With the exception of pregnancy, I have not finished a year more than 5 pounds heavier than I finished the last in at least 7 years. (This is important for me to remember because for most of my childhood/high school/college life I would hold my breath every single time I pulled on a pair of jeans because I never knew if they were still going to fit. I remember that horrible feeling when they wouldn’t. Sometimes I think I still let myself be that girl…held hostage by the fear of my yo-yoing weight. But, I’m not that girl anymore…and I need to allow myself to own that truth)

3. I eat more vegetables now than at any other point in my entire life…and I enjoy them. I don’t eat these out of obligation, I actually anticipate them eagerly.

4. I truly am doing this differently this time. In the past when I tried to lose weight I did it by trying to substitute the low-fat, sugar free processed junk for the full-fat, full of sugar processed junk I was used to eating. This time around I am concentrating on eating REAL food. I haven’t had an artificial sweetener in two years. I am making real food at home and bringing those for my lunch instead of relying on ‘healthy’ frozen processed meals. The last time I ate a fast food breakfast it actually tasted bad to me and I threw out the hashbrowns all together (if you know me in real life you know this is HUGE).

I think that these 4 thoughts are good reminders that its ok to be optimistic. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.” I need to remember that I’m not doing what I’ve always done! I need to give myself credit for the strides I’ve made on health. And I need to give myself permission to anticipate positive outcomes this time around. So, I am publicly giving myself this permission right now. When the negative thoughts come in I WILL fire off my positive thoughts. I’m even going to print these four thoughts out and put them in my purse, my car, my fridge, and my desk.

I’m also going to take a step towards allowing optimism. I’ve got 3 real women dollars at Lane Bryant. For those of you who shop at Lane Bryant, you know that these allow you to get the best deals possible on the ‘right fit pants.’ They are about the only coupon that they allow you to use on these pants and they only offer them 4 times a year. You can use them on whatever you want, but I usually try to use mine on the pants. Normally, since I’ve basically been the same size for the last 7 years (see above about my weight staying pretty stable) I’ve always gone and bought a pair of jeans and a pair of work pants in “my size.” However, I’ve been having a huge internal struggle this time around. My work pants are in decent shape and if I’m losing weight, then there really is no reason to get another pair in this size…these will certainly last me another 2-3 months until my weight loss really starts showing in my clothes. So, the optimistic me says to buy a pair in the next lower size so that I’ll have them when I’m ready. You can certainly guess what the pessimistic me says in response! But, in the spirit of granting myself permission to believe I am going to invest in the smaller size pants.

Wow…just writing that made me shudder with self doubt….it’s obvious that I’ve got a lot of work to do on this front.