This week

This week has been a good one. I was by NO MEANS perfect....but I've really worked hard at making better decisions.  More protein, less carbs.  I still have a lot of work to do on eliminating sweets but I've at least paired my sugary treats with a high protein meal so it hasn't sent my blood sugar spiraling out of control.  I'd like to make sugar reduction a goal this week.

I ate out 5x this week!  I had a taco salad (no shell) at the first meal.  I ordered grilled salmon with broccoli and a side salad at the second.  Taco salads (no shell) at the next two and finally a burger without the bun last night and I substituted veggies for the chips.  Of course I then ate half of Senna's fries...but it's progress.

If there is one thing I've learned from my slow steady weight loss success of the past it is that I can NOT beat myself up over imperfection.  I do not respond well to being unkind to myself.  I can choose to focus on the fact that I ate half of S's fries yesterday or I can focus on the fact that I skipped the bun and made the effort to order the grilled veggies as a side.  There are a LOT of good habits I have to work on getting back to and I will not perfect all of them again in a week.  But, practice makes perfect so I will continue to focus on making the best choices I can.

Exercise was also a success this week.  Monday I walked, Tuesday I spent 30 mins at the gym, Thursday I walked.  I was going to walk Friday but it rained all day long so instead I did a ton of work in our bonus room to get it ready to be a play room.  I worked up there for nearly three hours and sweated the whole time so I count that as a success.

Last night was a really really rough night.  Baby O was not as good of a sleeper as usual and Senna was up as well. Andy had to leave at 4:45 for work so I got stuck with both of them.  I was up from about 1:30 to 4:30 and hadn't gotten to bed until nearly midnight.  Then, the sleep I got from 4:30 to 6:00 was plagued by HORRENDOUS nightmares including Olivia falling out of the crib and falling down the stairs.  :( :(  I am exhausted today.  I was amazed by how the very first thing that crossed my mind as we headed downstairs is "What can I eat for breakfast?  Pancakes, waffles?"  Sleep is such an integral part of health.  Making good decisions without it takes a whole lot more focus.  I ignored my fatigue induced cravings and stuck with my tried and true breakfast so bravo to me.

I truly do miss blogging and hope I can find some time to fit it back in again...we shall see!

Back to the Basics

Yesterday I rejoined WW.  I can't attend meetings because I'm pregnant, but I can do the online program (shhhh...don't tell the WW-powers-that-be that I lied to them when it asked if I was pregnant!).  I did say I was nursing full time.  That means I get 64 points.  That is a LOT of points.  I should be able to keep myself and baby fully nourished on that. 

My sister rejoined on Sunday which motivated me to rejoin yesterday.  I had already made a bad choice for breakfast.  Then yesterday afternoon I went home sick and so had to have Andy bring home dinner.  I had him get me chicken noodle soup and a grilled cheese.  Little did I know it was actually "chicken and dumpling" soup so instead of being a low point option it was actually quite high.  Then before bed I realized that I had eaten two birthday cookies earlier in the day that I had not journaled.  But, I went back and journaled ALL of it and even though I went over my points, it felt good to at least take ownership for it.

I've journaled my breakfast this morning and am planning to keep on journaling all day.  This tool will be a great way to help me stay honest with myself over the holidays.

50

What  difference 50 pounds makes.  I remember at so many points in my life when I used to have the “all or nothing” attitude.  Thinking that if I couldn’t lose the 200 pounds I needed to lose I might as well lose none.  Because what good would 50 pounds do me?

As I lost weight I realized the error of my ways.  As I’ve regained I have REALLY realized how wrong I was.  Sitting at 320 I’m about 50 pounds up from the 270 I maintained for many months on end.  And I am amazed at how much of a difference these additional 50 pounds have made.  From the ‘bloat’ in my face (sure, some of that is probably pregnancy but the majority is added weight) to the sore feet.

This weekend I went shopping and was on my feet for many hours.  My body hurt so bad at the end of that.  My back, the bottoms of my feet, my legs, my ankles…everything hurt.  I remember on the way down the scale going shopping for several hours and realizing how much easier it was.  Now that I’ve packed on these 50 pounds I am sooo uncomfortable when I have to do something physical for several hours.  I also notice it when I climb the stairs at the house.  When we bought our house I really did not think having my master upstairs was a big deal but now?  I hate it.

Just as 50 pounds matters on the way up…”Just” or “Only” 50 pounds will matter on the way down.  That is one thing I’d really like to remember when this pregnancy is done.  I don’t have to get “skinny” or get to “goal”…but taking some of this weight off will help my quality of life immensely.

Friday

This morning I weighed myself for the first time since Tuesday.  I've gained 30 pounds since conceiving and I'm 20 weeks pregnant...so I've pretty much had some sort of gain on the scale everytime I weigh.  Today though the scale was 0.2 of a pound less than Tuesday.  It made me feel good to see that I actually CAN stop the bleeding.

This week has been better than any of the last.  I worked out both Tues and Thurs.  I cooked dinner at home Sun, Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs.  I prepped breakfast at home Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, and Fri.  I know that these things work.  I KNOW that eating out is no good.  And this week I proved to myself that doing less of it will help slow down this gain spiral I've been on.

There is lots of room for improvement.  I did have fast food 3 out of the last 4 days.  Fruits and veggies....what are those?  So, more to focus on. But, today, I celebrate the progress I've made this week.

Also, yesterday I was reminded of how it all comes down to choices.  Little choices over and over again.  My afternoon got all mixed up and I ended up going to one of the happy hours for a short time.  My friend is leaving our company and it was to celebrate her.  I ordered water and the waitress offered a mock-tini.  I said no thanks and stuck with the water.  I stayed for about 20 mins and left for the gym before the appetizers came out.  Only issue was...I was STARVING and knew i couldn't go to the gym without eating. I started trying to figure out what to get at a drive thru that wouldn't make my stomach upset.  And then, I stopped, tried to remember what the "me" of 18 months ago would have done...and I dug through my purse and found a granola bar.  PERFECT!

Happy Friday...we have an insanely busy weekend ahead of us.  I've got to finish painting Senna's room on Saturday and also go shopping for some clothes for all of us because on Sunday we are going to have our Christmas pictures made.  Christmas is going to be here before I know it!

Small Wins

Fast food breakfast had become a major major issue since I got pregnant.  In my first trimester I was turned off by all my normal breakfast foods.  The only thing that sounded good was hashbrowns so I started stopping by McD at breakfast and getting hashbrowns.  And then of course as I started feeling better those breakfasts got bigger and badder for me.  And then before I know it, its become a habit I have a very very hard time breaking.  But, this week I've been making a concerted effort to CUT IT OUT.  I have been eating breakfast at home before I leave and bringing a second breakfast to eat around 10am at work.  Of course I am perfectly full and I'm sure my body is so thankful for the better choices.

Also, Tuesday I went to the gym after writing that last blog post and it felt oh-so-very-good to get that done.  Muscles like to be worked.  Why do I so easily forget that?  I will go again today after work.  I have been invited to two happy hours but seeing as how I can't drink and given the fact that 30 mins at the gym feels much better than eating a bunch of appetizers at a bar...I'll be going to the gym.

It feels good to make good decisions.  Not all of my decisions have been good, but I want to celebrate the good ones.

Thoughts

I find that the hardest time to eat healthy, exercise, and lose weight is when you are really down on yourself.  When your self disgust and hatred are at their peak.

I am struggling right now with a lot of that.  Here I am, a person who went from 354 pounds down to 258 pounds over the course of two years.  Only to gain about 36 of that back before getting pregnant and another 30 since getting pregnant.  Putting me back up to 320 as of this morning.  20 weeks pregnant and 320 pounds.

It breaks my heart to be here.  I had envisioned this pregnancy as different.  I had envisioned that while I'd still be a fat mom I would not be a super obese mom.  I had envisioned looking pregnant.  I had hoped that I would walk into doctors offices and not get that "look", the "oh, here comes a fat one" look.

But, none of that has happened.  I am a super obese mom.  I had my anatomy ultrasound and they could not see everything they needed to see.  I peaked over the technicians shoulder as she made notes for the doctor and she mentioned baby's position and mother's body size as the reason.  It made my heart break in two.  This is likely my last pregnancy.  My last opportunity to experience it as I wanted too.  But, I won't...because I am super obese.  Because I am over 300 pounds with 20 more weeks to go.

I keep telling myself that I can stop the gain.  Or at least slow it down.  I can make better food choices.  I can stop with the pop.  I can stop with the fast food.  I can stop with the sugar.  Yet, I don't do it. And I know why I don't do it.  I don't do it because I am so angry and disgusted with myself right now.  The only way to start eating healthier is to accept what is and most importantly ACCEPT MYSELF.  I have done it in the past and I want to find a way to do it again.

I know what I need to focus on.  I need to focus on this baby I am carrying.  I need to focus on the fact that while YES, I am overweight, I am still a fine carrier for this little girl growing inside of me.  I need to focus on the fact that I will be her mother and I will be a damn good one.  I KNOW I CAN BE A HEALTHIER VERSION of me.  I know that its difficult at first and takes a lot of commitment but with time it gets better.  I know I have it in me.

Now, to put it in action.  On that note...I'm headed to the gym.

 

New venture! So exciting!

Throughout my entries in this blog, I've mentioned my friend Michelle numerous times We've been friends for about eight years... we originally met on a weight loss support message board, then met in person about two years after that. When we first met I was living in Oklahoma and she was living in Michigan. Then I moved to Michigan for a period of time. And now she's in New York, and I'm in Nebraska! We've been through a lot together - our friendship was originally based on weight struggles, but grew into so much more over time.


Anyhow, together, we have launched a new website, called Sangria Sisters. It's foundation is "celebrating family, friends, and health" and we plan to do just that. It'll chronicle the two of us on the path to better wellbeing (for ourselves and our families) while using different tools (Michelle's had gastric bypass surgery and I am using Weight Watchers) with the premise that no tool will fix weight problems without serious work on emotional/mental issues impacting one's relationship with food.

So, without further delay, check out these pages!

http://www.sangriasisters.com/

    -Welcome letter from me and Michelle

And of course there are already many other posts up with our recipes, daily thoughts, and more.
 
On the right sidebar of our new site there is a "subscribe via email" feature. You will need to enter your email address in and confirm it. Even if we post several times in one day, you will only receive one email.
 
I will not be blogging over here any longer as I'll be posting all of my updates over there going forward. 


I really hope you'll join me over there (all 5 of you followers!).  :) :)  Have a great day!

When is it ok?

When is it ok to accept imperfection from yourself on this journey to health and when should you expect more?  I'm struggling with this tonight. 

A little background...I'm doing the WW Walk Challenge.  They give you a training plan to help you prepare for a 5K.  I started with week 2 because week 1 had walking times that were lower than what I was already doing.  So, week 2...you are supposed to do this:
Sun-15 min
Mon-18 min
Tues-Rest
Wed - 18 min
Thurs - 20 min
Fri - Rest
Sat - 20 min

So, I had stayed right on track through today.  Here was my after work schedule today-

Pick up Baby S from daycare, rush home for an appointment at the house.  Immediately after the appt I went into the kitchen to throw together dinner and eat.  Immediately after eating (even dishes got put on hold) we needed to run to Target for some must-haves for Andy and Baby S.  Back home to feed Baby S and play with her for 30 minutes while her food settled on her belly.  Then it was time to put her to bed.  We are in the process of trying to teach her how to fall asleep on her own and if you've ever done such a thing...it is incredibly stressful.  So, by the time we finished that I was an extremely tense ball of nerves and it was already 8:40..and until I have a baby who sleeps through the night I like to aim for a 9:30 bedtime.  So, I had less than an hour before bed and I still had to make bottles and get things together for the next day.  Luckily Andy had already finished dishes and washed bottles or else I would have felt completely overwhelmed.  I had an internal debate for a few minutes about whether or not I wanted to do my 20 minutes for my WW walk.  I convinced myself to do it.  I got in my workout clothes and hopped on the treadmill.  About 4 minutes in I wanted to quit.  I pushed myself and tried all of my tricks to get through it.  I imagined all of the women I've been following in the blogosphere who are doing so amazingly well and who talk about how wonderful it feels to be lighter.  I tried reminding myself how bad I want that.  I tried visualizing myself next summer with Baby S who will then be a toddler.  I tried to visualize running with her and swimming with her at a much healthier weight.  But time seemed to take longer and longer.  I just wanted to quit.  Finally, at 10 minutes...I did.

So, now my heart is torn.  There is a part of me who thinks I should just be proud of myself for even getting on the treadmill after such a tough night.  But there's another, louder part of me who is really disappointed in myself for quitting.  I keep asking myself "how do you expect to succeed at this if you quit?" 

The thing is...I do believe that we have to learn to be forgiving and understanding of ourselves to get through this journey.  But, how do you know when you've gone from being forgiving of yourself to making excuses for yourself?  I really want to be successful at this for the first time in my life.  And I know that finding the balance between these two emotions is going to be imperative.  I'm just not sure where to start on finding that balance. 

Seriously?!?!

I really hate when people say something to you that just makes you feel awful. My beautiful little girl has decided that she no longer wants to be a good sleeper. We've been struggling for several nights now. Last night was one of the worst. She was waking up every 45 minutes. I've blogged about sleep deprivation before...it’s rough. But, I've been trying to deal with it the best I can. When I got unnecessarily snippy at my husband this morning I quickly apologized. Even though all I want to do is hit the snooze button a hundred times I’ve been getting up and taking a shower, doing my hair, doing my makeup, and trying my very best to look like a put-together professional.


So today a co-worker came by my desk and saw a picture of Baby S and commented on how cute she was. Then he asked me if she’s a good sleeper. I told him that she was doing really well, but has gotten out of her habit here recently. And he looked at me and said “yeah, I can tell by how bad you look.”. What??? Was that really necessary? It just makes me feel like “what’s the point in trying?” I could have slept in, skipped the shower, put my hair in a ponytail and come in without makeup. Then he would have seen how bad I can really look.

Of course he could have said something much more supportive like “Sorry to hear that, hope it gets better” but he chose to go with a back-handed insult instead. Grrrrrr! Some people!

Ok – rant over.

I ate WHAT?!?!

So, when KFC introduced the "Double Down" sandwich...my husband was appalled. 

"This one-of-a-kind sandwich features two thick and juicy boneless white meat chicken filets (Original Recipe® or Grilled), two pieces of bacon, two melted slices of Monterey Jack and pepper jack cheese and Colonel's Sauce. This product is so meaty, there’s no room for a bun!"

The idea of eating a "sandwich" made of two fried chicken filets (you can choose grilled) with bacon and cheese seemed insane to him.  Then he read the nutritional facts out loud 540 calories, 32 grams of fat and 1,380 mg of sodium.  "Who would eat that?!?!" he proclaimed.  "So terrible for you!"  Being someone who has studied the heck out of fast food menus I knew that this really wasn't that bad relatively.  I told him "you know...that's not all that bad.  The main target demographic is people who are watching carbs, so they most likely won't be having fries with that.  And for a fast food meal...its really not that bad."  He looked at me like I had lost my mind.  "32 grams of fat and 1,380 mg of sodium is not that bad???"  He didn't believe me....it was obvious from his tone. Ahh...the challenge is on. :) :) :)

"Try looking up a Big Mac," I said.  Big Mac: 540 calories, 29grams of fat and 1,040 mg of sodium.  "See, about the same" I told him.  Being a man of precision (he is a mechanical engineer afterall) he informed me "well, its actually 10% less fat and 25% less sodium."  No problem....I'm still up for this challenge. 

Ok, I said "Take a look at the Whopper".  Whopper: 670 calories, 40 grams of fat, and 1,020 mg of sodium.  Hmmm....he's starting to catch on.  The KFC sandwich isn't all that bad relative to other fast food options.  So, now he was curious.  He pulled up the Triple Whopper just for kicks.  Triple Whopper: 1160 calories, 76 grams of fat, 1170 mg of sodium.  Now he was truly appalled.  "That should be illegal!!!!" he said.  "Do you really think it should be illegal?  Do you want the government telling us what we can and can't eat??"  I asked him.  He said "well...it should at least have a warning label.  Like on cigarettes.  That stuff will kill you.  Who would eat that?!?!?" 

Now I had him just where I wanted him.  Time to go in for the kill.  "Why don't you take a look at that burger you get when we go to Red Robin."  At this I took baby S in her room and to change her diaper and waited for the reaction.  And boy did I get it....I hear from the other end of the house "OH MY GOD!!!!"

Red Robin Whiskey River BBQ Burger: 1,114 calories, 69 grams of fat, and drumroll please....1,805mg of sodium

And he almost always eats this with french fries and a beer.  I cannot imagine the total calorie, fat, and sodium that we take in when we have a meal like that.    The thing is....my husband is surprisingly health concious.  He takes his lunch to work everyday and eats a cup of carrots with his lunch every single day (and takes some ribbing from some of the other guys at work for it).  He buys the reduced fat oreos for his lunch, he uses a very thin layer of peanut butter on his muffin in the morning.  When I bought my digital food scale he was more excited than I was.  He weighs his baked chips every single day and takes exactly one serving.  He does the same with the pretzels or reduced fat cheezits or walnuts he takes for his afternoon snack.  Seriously, the man takes his health seriously.  I cannot imagine how he felt when he saw that his favorite burger was even worse for him than a triple whopper.  I'm surprised he didn't pass out.  He has eaten that meal many times.  I think the fact that we were at a sit down restaurant, paying good money for our food, gave him the false impression that we were getting quality food.  I think if he were to estimate the cals and fat he probably would have said 600 cals and 20 grams of fat.  I mean, he knew it wasn't good for him...he just had no idea how bad it was.  Turns out its twice as many cals and nearly 4x the fat.  I'm pretty sure he'll never order that meal and finish it again.

I don't know if I think foods like that should be illegal.  But I do agree with him that there should at least be a warning label on them.  Knowledge is power...and when I walk into a menu and take a look at a menu I feel completely powerless.  I have to make a best guess at what the nutrional value of the foods is.  I'm sure I overestimate the good options as much as I underestimate the bad.  Turns out the new healthcare bill has a provision that will address this.  I, for one, am 100% on board with this.  Americans deserve to know what they are putting into their bodies.  Because my husband was right..."that stuff will kill you."  Some people will still order those options, but for those of us who would rather not, at least we'll know!